We received a raving, foaming-at-the-mouth email from Senate President Brandon Shaffer today outlining his view on the Republican's agenda in the legislature so far this session.

It's truly a baffling document. It's almost as if Brandon Shaffer doesn't know how to read bills, as he seems to make up the purpose of each bill as he goes along.

Between accusing Republicans of hating kids and loving pollution, Shaffer picks a few bills to go after directly.

It's funny, if not surprising, that every bill he references never received a floor vote since he killed them by postponing the bill indefinitely in committee. If he thought the bills were so clearly a Republican attack on children, why didn't he allow any of them to come up for a vote? 

To help translate Shaffer's Charlie Sheen-esque incoherence, we've provided the name and purpose of some bills he attacks and how he describes them.

It's our attempt to teach our readers how to speak like Brandon Shaffer.

1. (SB 11-098) Phase-out of the Business Personal Property Tax. This bill looks to eliminate over time the onerous business personal property tax that forces businesses to pay taxes on their computers, printers, couches and cash registers every single year until the property is thrown away or replaced. The point of the bill was to encourage businesses to invest in new property, thus spurring economic development. 

Now, let's put it through the Brandon Shaffer translator, and what do we get?

“SB 11-098 will cost counties and schools millions of dollars that cannot be replaced by the state government”

Huh?

2. (SB 11-026) New Business Personal Property Tax Exemption. Very similar to SB 11-098 this bill also aims to reduce the property tax burden on businesses looking to stimulate the economy by buying new equipment. Generally, bills that help farmers buy new tractors are good for the economy. You know, the thing voters want the legislature to focus on growing.

So how does Shaffer explain it?

“SB 11-026 continues the assault on education.” Sen. Shaffer is right — new tractors are bad for children. Economic growth never leads to revenue growth. What were Republicans thinking?

3. (SB 11-095) Surface Transportation Funding. This bill eliminates a number of hated taxes and fees on vehicles and allows the private sector to dictate growth and road improvement. If cars are driving there, then private companies will want to build and improve there. And they will hire people to do this. 

Shaffer Translation: “SB 11-095 assures that no more jobs are created to fix faulty bridges and roadways.” 

Yes, Brandon, private companies never hire people. Only the governmant can. 

4. (SB 11-118) Committee of Reference Review of Rules. Rather than let unelected bureaucrats have free reign to implement regulations, this bill would put power back in the people's representative to review the regulation and its effects before it becomes permanent.

Shaffer says:

“SB 11-118 grows government and adds additional bureaucracy.” 

Wait, we thought the point of the bill was to give power back to the people's elected representatives and create a check and balance with an unelected bureaucracy? Apparently, legislative oversight is a bad thing to Sen. Shaffer.

 

Senator Shaffer is clearly a rockstar from Mars who is WINNING. We just wanted to help translate a few great lines from this Warlock brain. He's got tiger blood, man!