America’s favorite satirical news site is not done with John Hickenlooper’s career.

For that, we thank them.

The Onion reports the former presidential not-a-contender has since moved on from his Senate announcement, opting in record time to drop out of that race and instead run for Jefferson County commissioner.

“For all my supporters, from Wheat Ridge to parts of Arvada, who urged me leave the Senate race to concentrate on running for county commissioner, I want you to know I heard you loud and clear.”

After pledging to install speed bumps and purchase playground equipment if elected, The Onion drops the mic with this:

At press time, Hickenlooper announced that he was abandoning his struggling county commissioner campaign to run for treasurer of Bow Mar.

By the way, today is Cory Gardner’s birthday. This has got to be the best present, ever.

The man who admits he’s not cut out to represent Colorado in the U.S. Senate is apparently so desperate for a job, he’s just going to give it a shot anyway and see how it all works out for him.

He didn’t make the announcement to a room packed with supporters, but in an empty pool hall with staged shots on the table to make him appear competent. At pool.

It’s the most awkward announcement for political office we’ve witnessed in a long time — playing a game, while accusing his opponent of playing games.

And speaking of awkward, Hick’s canned announcement came Wednesday night on the heels of this Westword piece.

Without support from the radical environmental base of the Democrat Party and the entire party’s lurch to the far left, Hick is in no position to just waltz away with the nomination.

Even the Denver Post knows that.

His entry is certain to upend the nascent Democratic Senate primary, which already includes 11 candidates. Early polls have shown Hickenlooper outpacing Gardner in a hypothetical matchup. However, he is not expected to clear the Democratic field. Several Senate candidates pledged to stay in last week after Hickenlooper dropped out of the presidential race.

Also not in his favor, the Denver Post points out, Hick’s a white male and Democrats are pining for a female or “person of color.”

We’re guessing they mean skin color, not sparkling personality.

Hick just doesn’t fit the bill for today’s Democrat Party — not nationally and not in the Colorado.

Middle age and moderate white males are a relic of the past. They need not apply to today’s party that embraces the likes of New York’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

The news cycle’s been so dominated by John Hickenlooper’s indecision over the U.S. Senate seat he claims he’s not cut out for, we neglected an important story about voters trying to recall some of the disastrous Democrats already in office.

Look for petitions in the Pueblo area to recall Senate President Leroy Garcia; 13,500 signatures must be collected in two months to make the ballot. 

Ironically, this effort is driven by the same folks who brought us the successful recall of State Senator Angela Giron in 2013.

One miracle has already occurred since the petition format was approved by the Secretary of State’s office Monday.

The Democrat lawmakers turned into a conservative spender of taxpayer dollars overnight, claiming a recall election would just be a waste of their money.

Too bad Garcia didn’t consider our wallets when he embroiled the state in a lawsuit for that computer reading stunt of 2,000 pages a minute, so Democrats could sped up the process and get to more important legislation, like crippling the state’s oil and gas economy.

John Hickenlooper hasn’t even married himself to the U.S. Senate race, but the honeymoon has already started and he should enjoy it, while it lasts.

That’s evidenced by a poll of 400 voters who said this week they would vote for the presidential outcast over Cory Gardner by 53% to 40%.

But that’s assuming Hickenlooper would even win the Democratic primary to face Gardner.

The real question: How will the sometimes self-styled moderate fare in the Democratic primary — the first to include presidential candidates — in what has become a race to the bottom of the far left cliff?

The same poll shows socialist Democrat Bernie Sanders leading the pack among Colorado voters, followed by former VP Joe Biden and U.S. Sens. Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris.

Those are the same folks who trounced Hick in a presidential primary poll in his home state.

By the way, in this same presidential matchup, U.S. Sen. Michael Bennet only polled 1% among his own voters. He’s the other candidate running as a moderate.

Hick is polling high on name recognition. 

But the March 3 presidential primary will be a magnet for the far left, so why would they choose Hick from a vast field of candidates who have seven months to distinguish themselves from Hick and build their own name ID?

Like we said, Hick should enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts.

It turns out the FDA already has the power to speed up access to over-the-counter oral contraceptives.

But like most things regulatory, the federal government is just dragging their feet.

U.S. Sen. Cory Gardner politely told the bureaucrats this week to get the lead out, just in a more diplomatic tone, and work with manufacturers to complete the process.

In a letter to the agency Monday, Gardner and Iowa Sen. Joni Ernst explained to the agency how this could be achieved — by following the same streamlining process that gave greater access to the opioid overdose drug, naloxone.

We recognize the public health benefits of providing greater access and choice for American families to contraceptives. For many women across the country, the added strain from a prescription requirement means hours lost from work or their personal lives and increased stress. While some states have undertaken steps to increase access at the pharmacy counter, those efforts fall short of meaningful, widespread adoption of OTC contraceptive availability.

The FDA needs to make this a priority.

It’s amazing to us that the “morning-after” pill can be bought-over-the-counter, but when it comes to “the pill,” the agency is still living in the Stone Age.

Radical liberals are beside themselves with the exciting news the queen of green schemes, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, has agreed to be the headline speaker for the Democrats’ annual fundraiser at the Mothership in Boulder.

Tickets go on sale at noon Monday at the proletariat price of $95 for the Sept. 21 event at the University of Colorado.

We have no doubt AOC will draw a standing-room only crowd to hear of her adventurous, cross-county trip to Colorado in a covered wagon to kick start her Green New Deal and eliminate air travel.

She’s also here to help radicalize the Democrat agenda and push the country off the leftist cliff and onto a broken government-only health care system.

We can’t wait to see which elected officials will attend for the chance to live tweet or get a selfie.

U.S. Sen. Michael Bennet’s latest ad campaign is so outrageously offensive, we were clicking our way to report it as abusive content to Facebook before we even realized it was our own senator’s post.

The Cringe Factor 10 photo is certainly an attention grabber, targeting the most despicable people on the planet, or radicalized liberals who believe this crap, we’re not sure which.

But wait, there’s more social media memes that are just as offensive, Bennet says. Just click on his ad and go to his book’s promotional page where the photos will flash across your screen quicker than you can read.

It’s the most bizarre book promotion/presidential campaign ad in the history of mankind. That’s right, Bennet has written a book about these pictures. Or it’s a picture book, we’re not sure which.

For as little as $1, his supporters can send a copy of the “book,” which looks more like a pamphlet, to U.S. Sen. Mitch McConnell.

Bennet is apparently mad at McConnell because a vote wasn’t taken on some unnamed bill he insists is required to save the universe from horrible pictures — like the ones Bennet is splattering across social media. 

Democrats are really grasping at straws if they think this social media cost Hillary Clinton the election.

Bennet’s featured photo had a minuscule reach of maybe 50 people, until Bennet spread it further in this Facebook campaign, and the original message with the photo was to stop racism.

It’s a pretty far reach to suggest these photos turned voters against Hillary, including this one Bennet features:

Or this one:

Mixing a book promotion that targets Mitch McConnell has nothing to do with running for president against Donald Trump.

It’s all just so weird and twisted, we’re not sure what to make of it.

John Hickenlooper just went down as the weakest presidential candidate of the 2020 cycle, and it looks like Bennet is right behind him with the most offensive campaign of this election.

The Colorado media coverage of John Hickenlooper’s short-lived presidential aspirations feel dramatically short of the mark.

We’re aware that actual copy editors are scarce these days, and Hick’s announcement he dropped out of the race wasn’t really unexpected, or dramatic, in any way.

Still, some of those articles screamed for rewrite, and in the interests of brevity and accuracy, we are more than willing to lend an editing hand.

Denver Post

John Hickenlooper ended his presidential campaign Thursday morning the same way he started it: troubled by a divided nation and calling for unity. broke.

Colorado Politics

Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announced on Thursday that he was ending his Democratic presidential campaign and said he intends to give “some serious thought” to running for the the state’s Republican-held U.S. Senate seat in 2020. in the Democratic primary election for the U.S. Senate seat.

Memo to Colorado Politics: You don’t have the power to anoint Hick as the Democrat’s chosen one and just skip the primary election altogether. That magic wand to bypass voters belongs to the Democrat’s Senate leader, Chuck Schumer.

Colorado Public Radio

It’s official: John Hickenlooper is out of was never in the race to challenge President Donald Trump.

Boulder Daily Camera

John Hickenlooper, the beer entrepreneur turned politician who touted a talent for “bringing people together” to heal a divided country, will end his campaign for the White House on Thursday, The Denver Post has confirmed with two sources.

Still unable to come to grips with reality, Boulder’s front page story has not been updated with yesterday’s announcement.  They do acknowledge Hick failed to bring us world peace.

Pueblo Chieftain, Associated Press

DENVER — Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper on Thursday ended his longshot bid for the Democratic presidential nomination and said he may run for the Senate in 2020 against a Republican considered one of the most politically vulnerable incumbents.

Et tu, AP? Surely the media is aware Hickenlooper cannot run against Gardner unless he wins an election among Democrats for the party’s nomination? Stop trying to hand him the crown!

Oh, and we’re going to need some attribution as to who exactly considers Gardner vulnerable. The broad term, “Democrats,” will suffice. Also, is that statement considered pejorative? It’s hard to tell with you guys.

Colorado Sun

Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper formally ended his failed-to-launch presidential bid on Thursday morning, pouring gasoline on speculation about whether he will jump into the state’s crowded Democratic primary for U.S. Senate.

Wow. Surprisingly accurate. Well done.

Daily Sentinel

A large portion of surplus revenue the county has collected under the Taxpayer’s Bill of Rights would end up elsewhere, County Assessor Ken Brownlee and County Budget Manager Jeremy Caudle told the Mesa County Board of Commissioners on Monday.

We couldn’t find a story about Hickenlooper’s announcement on their web site. They obviously have more important issues to worry about.

John Hickenlooper, seated and defeated on some random stranger’s front porch in Iowa.

Sometimes, we hate it when we’re right. 

But we’re not going to stand on ceremony with a lot of “told-you-sos,” because John Hickenlooper has become so predictable, our dog actually made the call.

Hick did not announce he will run for the U.S. Senate during his unemotional and wholly predictable concession speech.

As we said:

Since Hick’s making this morning’s statement in a taped video, we predict it will not include an announcement for a Senate run.

Because that’s not the worst possible way to enter the race.

Instead, he’ll play coy and tease it out, holding out hope for a run until donors throw bales of money at him, basking all the while in the pleadings from the press corps to challenge U.S. Senator Cory Gardner.

Because Hick’s learned nothing from this whole mess.

That’s exactly what he did.

Hick plopped down on some stranger’s porch out in the middle of Iowa with a cameraman it tow, and read his prepared statement with all the canned passion we’ve come to expect from him, about all the serious thought he will give to a Senate run.

And now, we sit back and watch all the knives coming out for Hick among the two hundred Democrats in the running, or thinking about running, against Cory Gardner for U.S. Senate.

John Hickenlooper is giving up the ghost of his presidential run after five months on the campaign trail, according to a late night report from CBS 4 News, which everyone else in the media says they’ve also confirmed.

Hick will tell us himself during an 11 a.m. tapped video Thursday, which is when we’ll find out if he’s been named Miss Congeniality by official Washingtondom, and will soon wear the crown of Democratic nominee for Senate.

The timing of last night’s leak was perfect, falling on the heels of Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night monologue mocking Hick’s failure to launch.

“John Hickenlooper is considering dropping out of the race,” Fallon said in his opening. “Don’t do it, said absolutely no one.”
“Do you guys know about John Hickenlooper?” he asked the audience. “Yeah, that’s part of the problem.”
“He’s leaving the race. When he broke the news to all his supporters, they were like, ‘Cool dad, thanks for telling us.’”
“It makes sense right now. He’s polling at zero percent. I’m not saying his campaign is in bad shape, but even the guard who fell asleep watching Jeffrey Epstein is at 2%.”

Ouch.

You can watch the whole clip here, including Fallon’s farewell to Hick video.

Since Hick’s making this morning’s statement in a taped video, we predict it will not include an announcement for a Senate run.

Because that’s not the worst possible way to enter the race.

Instead, he’ll play coy and tease it out, holding out hope for a run until donors throw bales of money at him, basking all the while in the pleadings from the press corps to challenge U.S. Senator Cory Gardner.

Because Hick’s learned nothing from this whole mess.