It’s that time of the year PeakNation™ where we here at the Peak try to make up in one solid day all the naughtiness we sprinkle throughout the rest of the year in hopes Santa will bring us that Republican majority we’re asking for (we’ll also settle for the impossible-to-find PS4).
While giving coal is what we do for all the naughty Democrats out there the other 364 days of the year, in a blatant, naked attempt to curry Kris Kringle’s favor the night before he dishes out the loot, we’ve spent the past six minutes thinking of the perfect Christmas gifts for those nearest and dearest to our hearts taxes. So, here we go:
We know Governor Hickenlooper has had a tough time leading and making decisions this year, so we thought we would take it off his hands and give him a Magic 8-ball. “Will Coloradans grow to like my gun laws?” Very Doubtful “Will it be a tough year for me?” You may rely on it “Will I get reelected?” Better not tell you now
It’s been an especially tough year for former Senator Angela Giron who lost her job this year, but we hear she is especially fond of Denver so we got her 5280 Best of Denver restaurants issue. We know Hickenlooper consultant Max Potter would be grateful for our purchase. Ang, “Go Denver” to your heart’s delight.
Speaking of Potter. We hear that he’s awfully concerned about ham sandwiches, so, to put his mind to ease, we got him a gift card to Snarf’s. As an added bonus, it came with a side of gun rights.
NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has been having a tough year understanding Coloradans, so we sent him some old John Denver CDs and a Colorado history book. We thought he especially would be interested in all the gun-slingers who have lived here, so we dog-eared those pages for him.
We bet Democratic U.S. Senator Udall is feeling quite anxious about his reelection chances right about now. That’s why we got “Me Too Mark” a book about being a tag-along. Instead of drafting and promoting his own legislation, he looks to everyone else to do it for him, signing on when the time is right. This book shows even tag-alongs can have fun, too.
Senator Andy Kerr still can’t really explain what he does for his job at JeffCo School District (wait, wasn’t there just a guy at the EPA who had the same problem?), so we were able to track down a concrete job description for him. Now he’ll know how to respond when those pesky reporters ask unimportant questions like: “You get paid how much to sit at home and surf the web?”
County Boards of Election all around the state must have the biggest headaches after the Democrats’ election fraud enhancement reform bill, so we were going to get them each a weekend at the spa, but given the economy, we opted just to get them the largest bottle of aspirin we could find.
It’s hard to wear your heart on your sleeve in this business, but no worries for Denver Post reporter Allison Sherry. Everyone will know right where her heart is once she starts wearing this “I heart Democrats” shirt we got her. Maybe this will be the year that the Democratic Party finally pays her for all her spokesperson work. Fingers crossed for you, Allison! Maybe next year, you can buy your own shirt!
Former Senate President John Morse must be feeling down in the dumps right now after the year he had, so we got him this “Bloomberg by Bloomberg” self-help book to lift his spirits. Maybe Bloomberg will even sign it for you at the next swanky event your newly-empty schedule permits you to attend.
Senator Linda Newell already knows what she wants, so we will pick her up at 4:00 p.m. and drop her off at the nearest Barnes and Nobles. Best of luck to you, bookstore cougar Sen. Newell.
There’s nothing sexier than a man in a bookstore.
— Linda Newell (@SenNewell) December 21, 2013
For Democratic Congressional candidate Andrew Romanoff’s gift, we’re going to get people to forget he ever said this:
You announced that you’re not taking PAC money. Why did you make that decision?
AR: The same reason I did in 2010, and the same reason that President Obama did, because my sense is that and I think most Americans sense it that special interests have enough politicians on their payroll already. If you look at our inability to make meaningful reforms on a whole set of issues, whether it’s energy and the environment or health care. Pick an issue, follow the money, and you pretty quickly reach the conclusion that too many folks in both parties and I’m not claiming Democrats are any better — too many folks in both parties have become too beholden with the interests groups that bought their seats.
I wish I could find a fancier way to say this, but it’s a little better than bribery. And I want to be careful. I’m not suggesting that I can tell you how a particular legislator reaches a decision on a particular bill. Only the legislator can answer that question…. But I can tell you that there’s no reason that some of the biggest special interest groups in the world lavish millions of dollars on congressional races, in some cases, covering both sides of the race, if they didn’t get anything from anyone. They’re not doing this out of the goodness of their own hearts. They’re doing it because they want to buy access and influence. And there’s something very fundamentally disturbing about that system, I think, to ordinary Americans.
Sorry, buddy, we tried our best, but we’re not miracle workers.
For all the wonderful people at OnSight Public Affairs we got you bonuses that aren’t based on performance. We hope that beats the jelly of the month club that we heard you received.
We know Senate President Morgan Carroll has a big year ahead of her, so we got her all the supplies she will need: more sharpies and poster-boards for her protest signs.
With all her new found free time, we thought a new hobby would be the perfect gift for former Senator Evie Hudak. Learning to build a ship in a bottle sure beats posting photos of cats on Facebook, no?
We hear the Colorado Ponzi Scheme Health Exchange is finding it hard to get exactly what it needs. And it did take us a while as well, but we finally rounded up some young, healthy, dumb college kids for them. Denver Police, please don’t charge us with kidnapping. It’s for the common good.
We paid the annual dues for House Speaker’s Mark Ferrandino’s membership to the International Magicians Society. How else could he pull off that sleight of hand where he calls everything a jobs bill, but yet no jobs are ever produced?
For the new kid on the block, we got Senator Rachel Zenzinger a copy of “Robert’s Rules of Order”.
To Lynn Bartels, we wish peace and statesmanship between the two sides of the aisle. Aw, who are we kidding? It ain’t never gonna happen. Sorry, Lynn, we tried.
Finally, for our dear, dear friends at ColoradoPols we got more cowbell, because you can never have enough cowbell.
And, for you, PeakNation™, we wish you a very Merry Christmas. We are nothing without you. We hope Santa brings you everything on your list.
On second thought Santa, looking over this list, we think we got this Republican majority thing covered; you just worry about that PS4.