[Ever since Ed Quillen went to the great writer’s conference in the sky, Coloradans have missed his reporting on the Committee that Really Runs America. The drought has ended.]
I was just about to plant out my tomatoes when the phone rang. ID said “Ziegler.” I punched the talk button and said “Hello?”
“This is Ananias Ziegler, Mr. Diepenbrock, media relations director for the Committee that Really Runs America. My bosses say get with the modern era and start talking with bloggers. Since you and I both have good, honest American names, I picked you.”
“Fascinating,” I replied. “What’s on your mind?”
“The Committee doesn’t want a government of namby-pamby do-gooders. We want leaders who aren’t afraid to keep the media under control and who think government should squash dissent,” Ziegler said. “That’s why we are now backing Barack Obama.”
What? You’re kidding,” I interrupted. “Why would you do that?”
“The Committee that Really Runs America does not kid,” he replied. “Eric Holder’s performance before Congress was the best stretch to conceal facts since Rosemary Woods erased the Watergate tapes for us. Lerner is a true patriot: she gave part of her $40k in “stomp the Tea Party” performance bonuses to re-elect Obama. You must sacrifice as we all did who served in Vietnam.”
“When did the committee begin to consider backing Obama?” I asked.
“We had Scroogle run the metrics on Obama. The man bashes Wall Street, but funnels government cash to all those Wall Street too-big-to-fail operations … and took their money to win his re-election. Obama uses government to reward his friends – which we, emphatically, want to be. Look at how Obama got Pat Strkyer the cash for her energy company.”
“Lying with a straight face is essential to American progress. Obama excels at it,” Ziegler concluded.
“Well,” I asked, “are you also backing Hickenlooper instead of Tancredo for governor next year?”
“We’ve got our eye on Hick,” Ziegler replied. “He survived a tough childhood in a pricey private school in Philly, even with his nickname about sexual congress with fowl. But he’s not our favorite Colorado pol.”
“Ferrandino, wow, high hopes for that kid. When he said every Democrat bill was a ‘jobs bill,’ we knew we had a comer in him. That’s PR spin control.”
“What will take him over the top with you,” I asked.
“Two things. Only healthcare and education are still growing in our economy. Grow ’em both, we say. Ferrandino needs to pass the billion dollar tax hike for educrats and get behind Aguilar’s $16 Billion tax hike to provide adequate pay to doctors. We at “Really Runs” don’t see any other economic engines to grow our economy, so he could get on our short list. Another of our changes: taxes, schmaxes, only chumps pay. Gotta go; Putin’s on the throwaway cell.”
The phone went dead.