No, this isn’t an Onion article.  Apparently, Denver City Councilman and political up-and-comer Albus Brooks really likes In-N-Out Burger.  So much so that he’s taken up begging requesting through his office that the burger joint open up shop in Colorado (we’re assuming preferably near his house).  It’s not like Denver has real problems though, right?  I mean the people elected Brooks to bring them their In-N-Out Burger, damnit.  Right?  Brooks offered this inspirational message via The Denver Post:

“[In-N-Out’s rejection] shouldn’t stop people from appealing to the corporate offices, he said. ‘We got to keep on it.'”

While In-N-Out Burger has said “no” citing its “slow growth” strategy (come again?), we thought we would provide a top ten reasons that In-N-Out is staying out…of Colorado.

10) Business personal property tax (that’s just for you, Lynn)

9) We’re the healthiest state in the nation.  Granted In-N-Out may use fresher foods, but a burger and fries is still a burger and fries.

8) Denver has no palm trees.

7) Little-known (and true) fact: In-N-Out Burger has “markers” that point to Biblical verses on the bottoms of their cups.  With religious tolerance on the decline in many locations, is it any wonder In-N-Out is cautious about expansion plans?

6) Denver is hostile to retail development, which doesn’t bode well for fast food either.

5) Two words: methane gas.  With Colorado the mothership for many environmentalist causes, it’s only a matter of time before fracktivists turn their sights on cow farts.  In fact, a recent Grist article suggested taxing meat to cut methane.  And, where would that leave In-N-Out?

4) Wisely, perhaps, the chain isn’t expanding to cities in which unions target fast food establishments in desperate attempts to bolster membership.

3) In-N-Out was as embarrassed by Brooks’ request as Brooks should have been.  His constituents didn’t elect him to literally bring the bacon (burger) home.

2) Hickenlooper and the liberals have made Colorado such an unattractive place to do business that even munchie-haven In-N-Out can’t deal.

1) The chain really is pursuing a slow growth strategy, possibly to the chagrin of its investors (and Albus Brooks).

While we were just having fun with this list and, likely, none of these reasons are true (except #1), we can’t help but scratch our heads at the priority placed by Brooks on bringing this burger joint to Colorado when there are so many issues in Denver to tackle.