paddleboardingPitkin County residents have had it with the joyous sounds emitting from the Roaring Fork River and are demanding that the “party atmosphere” through the North Star Preserve east of Aspen be banned.

There should be no drinking or reveling in nature, no parking of a lot of cars to access the river, and certainly no fun while floating down the river, the party poopers are demanding.

Gary Tennenbaum, assistant director of the open space and trails board, told the Aspen Times the concerns surfaced so to speak, during the comment period for a new management plan.

“You’re not allowed to boat under the influence, but you must be on a regulated vessel,” Tennenbaum said. “The Coast Guard has ruled that paddle boards are a vessel, but tubes are not. So the tubes and drinking are one of the things that we need to continue to work on. … It’s really about lowering the party atmosphere out there.”

Commissioner George Newman said as long as there’s a place to float on rivers, alcohol and excessive noise will be present.

“This area, proportionally, is becoming as busy as the Maroon Bells, per se, on a per capita basis,” he said. “There’s a party atmosphere that’s created up here. … It seems like rafts and alcohol and beer sort of go together like Mom and apple pie.”

Quelle horreur!

Because they have deemed parking and partying to be incompatible with the eco-system, the solutions under consideration include an educational campaign to teach rafters how to be quiet and respectful of nature, parking restrictions, curtailing the number of people allowed to float down the river by requiring permits, declaring the entire area a quiet zone, and banning alcohol.

It appears that alcohol, fun and noise should only mix with recreation in the Aspen area when flying down the mountain at 20 mph on skis.