Public enemy number one.

Having completely run out of first world problems, Boulder is launching a new environmental campaign that completely sucks — they want to get rid of straws.

In this new war against children and their juiceboxes, bartenders and cokeheads, the goal is to rid the planet of plastic straws, aka “potent plastic pollutants” through an education campaign urging consumers not to take straws for granted.

They’ve even persuaded Jack Johnson to plug their effort during upcoming concerts at Fiddler’s Green.

We had no idea that straws were so offensive to the very nature of those delicate Boulderites.

“I have always been pestered internally by the sight of straws that are used, that are wasted, that are ridiculous,” said Graham Hill, a Boulder resident whose nonprofit Shared Paths Boulder is working with other groups on the educational initiative.

Perhaps the organizers could invest some of their own time with a therapist, instead of forcing their internal uneasiness on the rest of us.

We suspect they were hit in the head many times as a child with straw paper wrappings shot out of mouths by school yard bullies.