No! Stop! Don’t step on Jared’s heart!

Yesterday was a big day in the Colorado Democratic gubernatorial primary with candidates Lt. Governor Donna Lynne, Cary Kennedy, and U.S. Rep. Jared Polis each hauling in some big old liberal endorsements.

First, let’s start with Kennedy, who was endorsed by former Attorney General, U.S. Senator, and Interior Secretary Ken Salazar. Do all of her millennial voters realize that this is KEN Salazar, not Joe Salazar, the guy running for Colorado Attorney General? (We wondered if the public was confusing them in Joe Salazar’s polling, giving him greater name recognition than he deserves. Then, again, rape whistles.)

Then, Polis picked up former U.S. Rep. Pat Schroeder, the first female congressman (woman?) from Colorado, who claims that Polis has a heart as big as a “washtub.” What’s a washtub? Is that like a bathtub? Or is that the thing in our laundry room? Or is that what we put Coors Banquet in at rustic weddings? Unclear. But, should help rally all those octogenarian folksy Democrats from rural areas for Polis. Oh. Wait. Those don’t really exist en masse anymore. NM.

Finally, Lynne announced a campaign steering team that consists of Sen. Lucia Guzman, Penfield Tate, and Jean Galloway. We hope they’re offering great advice because these supporters will sway exactly nobody on the campaign trail.

Or, as someone on Twitter so eloquently noted:

Lynch isn’t exactly correct. The last time Salazar held elected office was in 2009 and last we checked, Democrats hadn’t convinced the general population to allow nine-year olds to vote. Yet. But point taken. Since 2009, three-quarters of a million people have moved here. They have no idea who any of these people are. Good luck with that, guys.