America’s favorite satirical news site is not done with John Hickenlooper’s career.

For that, we thank them.

The Onion reports the former presidential not-a-contender has since moved on from his Senate announcement, opting in record time to drop out of that race and instead run for Jefferson County commissioner.

“For all my supporters, from Wheat Ridge to parts of Arvada, who urged me leave the Senate race to concentrate on running for county commissioner, I want you to know I heard you loud and clear.”

After pledging to install speed bumps and purchase playground equipment if elected, The Onion drops the mic with this:

At press time, Hickenlooper announced that he was abandoning his struggling county commissioner campaign to run for treasurer of Bow Mar.

By the way, today is Cory Gardner’s birthday. This has got to be the best present, ever.