We’ve always known Aspen was full of crap. Now that this has captured the attention of the national news media, everyone knows.
The stink is over a federal Forest Service road often hiked by the privileged liberals of Aspen, who are accompanied by their dogs that are increasingly acting like animals and taking a shite right there in the woods for everyone to see! (The dogs, not the liberals … We think.)
In order to keep their perfect outdoors world sparkly clean and germ free, anti-poo liberals recently scoured the mountain until it was poo-free. Reports conflict as to whether they collected 100 or 600 pounds of fecal matter, and neglects to enlighten us as to how the poop was weighed.
Then to prove their point that hikers should keep a clean trail to be enjoyed by all, liberals littered the area with 50 pink plastic flags to mark where the offensive poo had occurred.
Everyone accepts that a bear can shite in the woods. Elk, coyotes, sheep, lynx – all God’s creatures gotta go somewhere. But it is offensive to the very delicate nature of liberals to look upon dog poo, especially in these Orwellian woods where some animal poo is better than others.
In order to save the trail from destruction of apocalyptic pooportions, liberals are demanding that the dog’s human destroy the fecal matter by wrapping it in a non-biodegradable plastic bag, carrying it home and then throwing it into the garbage can, where it will later be magically transported to an alternative universe that s
Other dire consequences are also under discussion and:
.… could mean anything from reinstituting the leash law on the first 1/2-mile of the trail — where most of the dog feces is left — or perhaps something more extreme. Some communities in California are taking DNA samples from dogs when they’re registered. If poop piles are left behind, officials link the DNA to the dog owner to enforce punishment.
Discussion of better poo practices also includes the use of cameras, but surely they don’t intend to invade the privacy of every hiker with trail cameras? Perhaps they are thinking of hiker body cameras? Or better yet, butt cameras that can easily attach to dog tails, because that would be hilarious.
All kidding aside, there is no need to drop an atomic bomb on a problem that only requires a hammer.
Here’s what caught our attention in the Aspen Times video, critics posted a sign and dozens of plastic flags to essentially complain about the problem.
We suggest liberals quit bitching and have a dog waste station installed that provides the plastic bags and a garbage can to throw the crap away.