Michael Hancock's resounding victory over Chris Romer meant the end of a mostly excruciating and always ridiculous campaign that pitted two combatants who were so lame brained and impotent that neither deserve to be elected to anything.
Romer won the first election on the strength of a fiscally conservative message that appealed to older Democrats, Republicans and Independents. Yet, he managed to ruin all that by spending the 6-week run off acting like a nutty liberal from San Francisco…calling for the repeal of TABOR and advocating an abortion on demand clinic be built at the City and County building.
Nice work, Chris. Maybe next time you should think twice about sharting on the girl who brung ya' to the dance.
Hancock won, but his campaign was perhaps even more laughable than Roy Romer's son. He spent the late weeks of the Spring trying to figure out whether he was an Evangelical or a Pagan, a creationist or a Darwinian, while generally just ambling his way to victory on the strength of the fact that lots of people around him sucked while he grew up, while he turned out pretty super.
We are not arrogant enough to question the wisdom of the voters, however, and therefore we will conclude our Mayoral election analysis by looking at a few important lessons from this electoral abortion. These, loyal readers and political junkies, are the 3 lessons of the worst election ever.
URBAN AGRICULTURE IS BACK! …And with a vengeance. Based on our own careful review of the election, the only idea to cross Michael Hancock's lips was a call for more urban farming. Vincent Carroll mocked Hancock thoroughly for this bone-brained idea. So we will leave it alone other than to say that Hancock's win is a clear mandate for corn fields in City Park and cabbage patches in Cheesman.
If y'all folk in the Highlands need some help changing your irrigation, just give us a call down at the feed lot and we'll send someone right on over tha'r.
LIBERALS ARE HYPOCRITES. Yes, we are talking to you Mike Littwin. Did you read his last article on Hancock? P-uke. If a conservative had advocated in the course of a campaign that creationism be taught in public schools…even if for only two hours like Mike Hancock…the barbarian horde of left wingers would have spiffed themselves. So just admit it liberals, starting with you first Pony Tailed Poet from the Denver Post. Liberals only hate the expression of faith in politics when it is conservatives who do the expressing. When an Urban Agrarian Democrat like Mike Hancock says he believes that…gasp!…God played a role in the creation of the cosmos, you somehow find a way to look beyond it and cast your vote for them anyway.
DENVER POST IS STILL KING. We think you know what we mean. After deciding the Governor's race based on what they did report, the Post wins again, electing Michael Hancock Mayor based on what they didn't report. The same could be said of the various TV stations that have been sniffing around what Complete Colorado reported first but didn't have the yoke to run with it. Michael Hancock's campaign was given the greatest gift of all…the gift of editorial omission…by Denver's Media establishment.
There are actually many more lessons to be described (i.e. politicians everywhere, vote yourself a raise!). But we are sick of this race, so we will just leave it at that.