Recently, CD4 candidate Brandon Shaffer released some kind of mysterious poll that he believes shows him gaining ground. It's all very cloak and dagger since he hasn't released info about who was polled or who conducted the poll. He accompanied the poll release with a plea for more money. And put it on Twitter about 16,000 times. We found (read: completely fabricated) a draft of this letter and are exclusively bringing it to you.
Gullible Idiots Friends:
I know you thought I was totally shafted in the reapportionment process late last year. But, a new poll shows that our campaign is back on track. For the past two months, I've been working hard to raise money.
Mostly by standing at the corner of 6th Ave and Speer in Denver – you'd be shocked at how much people will give if they think you're homeless veteran. We've raised the money, and now we've bought commissioned a poll that shows us within seven points of archnemesis, the favorite child Cory Gardner my opponent.
fundraising trend continues through November, I will get to keep all the money I earned panhandling we win. If we subtract all of those who have voted in four out of four elections and add in those who have voted in just one out of four elections, oversample Democrats by 20% and use felons as independents, we've found that we're within three points of Gardner.
Please help us today by sending $5. Or, if you would prefer, I will be at my corner at 6th and Speer.
Brandon Shafted, Your
Least Favorite Unlikely-to-Win Candidate
*Please note: No veterans feelings were hurt in the creation of this letter. We love and respect all veterans, homeless or not. We just love Shaffer a little less than the rest of you.