Recently, Denver was named to a list of eight finalists bidding to host the Republican National Convention in 2016. To commemorate this honor, we have enumerated why every city competing against Denver would be a terrible choice. We’re loyal like that.
- Cleveland: The last time a winner came out of Cleveland… well, we’re actually still waiting. But something tells us Denver will never have to worry about being beaten by Cleveland.
- Cincinnati: They consider this chili: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cincinnati_chili. The rest of the country considers that mess tomato sauce and hamburger on top of over-cooked noodles. Despite recent disagreements about green chili, at least we can all agree “Cincinnati chili” is not the real deal.
- Columbus: Why have one great city when you can have three mediocre ones? Who wants to spend a week in the mecca of Buckeye country, even their own fellow conference-brethren can’t stand them, despite Ohio State being their only hope at football respectability these past few years decades.
- Dallas: In their own terms, “all hat and no cattle.” The sprawling wasteland that is the Dallas-Fort Worth area is home to the worst drivers in the country. We know this because they’ve all moved here with 4WD-less SUVs. Who buys an SUV without 4WD? Texans, that’s who.
- Kansas City: Ha! Which state is that in again – Missouri or Kansas? We’ve only been to Kansas City when our direct flight was canceled and a layover here was all that was left. Rumors of them having a football team have yet to be proven.
- Las Vegas: Are we having a political convention or a bachelor party? Because the GOP doesn’t already have enough problems trying to break free of the stereotype that we have more money than common sense. Because it’s Las Vegas. In the summer.
Newt Gingrinchany male Republican politician in a speedo.
- Phoenix: See last three sentences.
But in all seriousness, good luck to the other cities. And, we say that in all sincerity because we know they’ll need it.