It was revealed this week that should Boulder County decide to completely ban fracking, the takings it represents to individual property rights would cost the county a billion dollars in compensation. As The Denver Business Journal reports:
A ban on fracking in Boulder County could leave its taxpayers on the hook for $1 billion in compensation to owners of underground mineral rights that would be unable to access their property, according to a new study from the National Association of Royalty Owners. [the Peak emphasis]
The empathy for Boulderites is palpable around the offices here at the Peak, you won’t find bigger fans of self-righteous, self-indulgent, too-much-money-not-enough-common-sense, utopian-seekers than us; we mean, without them, we actually might have to work hard to make Democrats look out of touch (just kidding, we still have Crisanta Duran). That’s why we took some time to brainstorm ways for Boulder County to raise the billion dollars in funds needed (because a $366M budget doesn’t go quite as far as it used to):
- Kale, Subaru, Non-Milk Milk Products Taxes: We propose taxes on things Boulderites cannot live without: Kale, Subarus, and non-milk milk products. If Boulder had a dollar for every time they pulled up to a stop light and the guy next to them is sitting in his Subaru eating his kale salad, while sipping his non-fat, soy latte? Easy $100 million.
- Buddhist Indulgences: We know the sale of indulgences back during the Middle Ages was one of the myriad factors that inspired the Protestant reformation, and would certainly be frowned upon today if the Catholic church reinstated the practice. But, let’s be honest, Boulderites aren’t actually down for studying and mastering the nuances of a 2000+ year-old religion; they just want their family back in Podunk, Wisconsin to feel confused and inferior when they greet them at Christmas with “Namaste.” Allowing Boulderites the chance to buy their right to call themselves Buddhist is so much more appealing than trying to understand the different shakras. Estimated funds raised: $200 million.
- Meditation Jar: Stop us if you’ve heard this one before: how do you know if a Boulderite has taken up meditation? They’ll tell you. “When I got cut off in traffic today, my aura was like all bent and like angry red, but I just did like five minutes of the most amazing meditation and my aura is like a sky blue wave bathing me right now. Can you feel it? Can you feel my aura?” Ten dollars goes into the meditation jar for every one of those stories. Estimated funds raised: $150 Million.
- Cultural Appropriation Sale: What better way to hide the secret shame every Boulderite feels coming from Everywhere, USA? If only they had some cool cultural heritage behind them like those Myanmar and their house parties, Africans and their wild animals, Indians and their untouchables. Well, now Boulderites don’t have to worry about their Indiana truck stop origin stories from ever coming to light as they buy a new cultural history that is more Mongolian yurt and less Missourian double-wide. Estimated funds raised: $500 million
- Smug Tax: A tax pinned to the level of smugness one has. Estimated funds raised $3.7 trillion.
Don’t say we never did anything for you Boulderites.