Today we are celebrating Earth Day by offering our own unique tips to save the environment:

Don’t leave any footprints on the planet. Better yet, don’t even walk on the planet. It makes Mother Earth cry, and it’s sexist. Best to utilize flying monkeys if you really must go anywhere.

Cell phones are manufactured using rare earth minerals that are acquired through mining. Show your support for Mother Earth by smashing yours into a million bits. And your computer, and cameras.

Pick up the garbage around your neighborhood, including billions of bits of smashed cell phones, and yard art.

Turn your thermostat and electricity off to prevent the use of fossil fuels. Sit in the dark and contemplate the rotting food in the refrigerator. Go vegan.

Boycott vegetables. The mass production is destroying the dirt and lining the pockets of “Big Organic Farm” who keep their money in banks.

Experience the great outdoors by taking a mountain bike trek through the mountains. Leave the bikes home, they destroy trails.

Wake up the hibernating bears. They’re so cuddly!

Go on a camping trip using only materials manufactured in your neighborhood with wind power.

Protect endangered species. Stay out of the woods and limit camping to your back yard.

Go to a protest against wind power, it kills birds. But don’t hold up protest signs. Signs kill trees. Better to just yell.

Sign a petition against noise pollution using a needle and thread to weave your signature on cloth.

Conserve water. Drink beer.

Celebrate diversity in every sub-sub-sub species. Have them all declared endangered and then leave the planet so non-humans can coexist peaceably by eating each other.

Happy Earth Day!