cookie monsterWho takes cookies away from a child in preschool?

A bully, that’s who.

In this case, the bullies were the nutrition ogres at the Children’s Academy in Aurora, who snatched Oreos away from a four-year-old child then sent a nasty note home to the girl’s mother.

7News first reported the incident Tuesday, which has now made national news. And rightly so. When preschoolers are denied Oreo cookies, the terrorists win.

Truly, there are no words more heartbreaking in the entire universe, than “Mommy, I wasn’t able to eat my cookies.” We, and Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, are aghast.

We’re also confused about some the “nutritional information” contained in the note that was sent to mom:

“Dear Parents, It is very important that all students have a nutritious lunch. This is a public school setting and all children are required to have a fruit, a vegetable, and a healthy snack from home, along with milk. If they have potatoes, the child will also need bread to go along with it. Lunchables, chips, fruit snacks, and peanut butter are not considered to be a healthy snack. This is a very important part of our program and we need everyone’s participation.”

Chips are bad but potatoes must be served with bread? What kind of carb Nazis are running the Aurora school district?!

And since when is peanut butter, which is loaded with protein, considered unhealthy? We expected it to be banned because of allergies, not because it’s unhealthy.

So let’s get this straight. Every child is “required” by some omnipotent preschool master of the universe to have a fruit, and a vegetable, plus a healthy snack, which means the snack won’t be a veggie, piece of fruit, anything that comes in a lunchable, chips, fruit snacks, peanut butter OR cookies?

Then please to be explaining to us, WHAT THE HELL IS LEFT?!

Filet mignon? Crab legs? Cornish game hen? Pork rinds?

We would argue that the appropriate snack for a four-year-old child, is a cookie. As a matter of fact, we would argue that Oreos are a constitutional right that falls under “pursuit of happiness.”

Have you ever seen an unhappy child eat an Oreo? We rest our case.