Boulder’s never-ending search for first-world problems came to a screeching halt this week upon the announcement that taxpayer dollars will fund research into the effects of dog poop on open space and the effects of human recreation in parks inhabited by freaking squirrels.

But we don’t make is sound nearly as glamorous as the Daily Camera:

Boulder’s Open Space & Mountain Parks this year will once again serve as a living laboratory for a varied roster of researchers using its 45,000-plus acres and 147 miles of trails to probe scientific mysteries both exotic and earthy.

The grants total $70,000 but the breakdown on how much it will cost taxpayers to study why dogs poop was not included. Neither were any details on the squirrel study, nor the specifics on the exploration of the social and ecological impacts of poop, because the pooptologists in charge of the study don’t really have an official sh#!!y proposal just yet.

However, they told the Camera they will try to “better understand a particular impact on the ground.”

We predict that impact will be either liquid, solid, and most definitely smelly.

Researchers also want to know “how we can address that impact …”

We’re going to go out on a limb, and say “pick it up.”

But researchers really have their work cut out for them to examine this:

“We have asked the researchers to help us understand how much dog waste is left behind and if there is any difference between leashed and unleashed areas.”

Our dogs poop more off-leash, and we figured that out without a government grant. We can’t wait to see the results from Dr. Obvious and his assistant, Scientist Duh, and we hope the cost to Boulderites is as substantial as the buckets of poop it will take to complete this study.