Tonight, Erie will consider an update its Public Health and Safety code to allow police officers to cite anyone emitting detectable odors affecting neighbors and passersby on public streets and sidewalks. In case you’re not reading between the lines here, PeakNation™, this is a smelly attempt to ban fracking. In an effort to help Erie’s men in blue, we have created a job description for its odor patrol.
Please feel free to apply with the town of Erie if the town council approves this noxious ordinance, and don’t forget to sign the pro-BBQ Change.org petition – because some smells are delicious, but would be illegal.
JOB OPENING – ESP – Erie Smell Police
The Town of Erie seeks a nose ranger to help identify and punish people and businesses responsible for any odors that affect our residents’ ability to enjoy their lives free of smells they find offensive. While we promote business and personal activities, we shun foul smelling plants, skunks (unless they’re endangered now), off-brand cigars and pipes, industrial activity, gas stations, certain restaurants, wet dogs, exhaust from collector cars and any other odors that any of our residents would find offensive.
To counteract these unfortunate aromas, we’re hiring someone with a normal sense of smell who can literally sniff out wrongdoers.
EXAMINATION
Candidates applying for this position must take a nasal exam that tests your smelling ability to ensure it’s not too good or too bad. Because you’ll likely spend most of your time in court on the witness stand, potential candidates will be asked to smell both acceptable, pleasing and offensive odors and also be able to describe those odors in a way that assigns guilt.
SUMMARY OF DUTIES
- Must be able to quickly respond to downwind and potential upwind scents to gauge offensiveness and identify where the smell originates.
- Must be good with people to explain if their smell level is too sensitive to actually result in an arrest.
- Must be able to provide court testimony in detail explaining levels of smell offensiveness and tying its origins to a source
MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS
- High School diploma
- Ability to leverage all five senses, but most importantly smell
- Must include a doctor’s note showing extended time between colds blocking nasal passages or allergies that would impact duties
- Must have a normal sense of smell
- Must be reasonably prudent