Today’s news cycle has been utterly dominated by the Senate Judiciary hearing of U.S. Supreme Court Justice pick Judge Brett Kavanaugh. We hope that Colorado Sen. Cory Gardner is a yes, but we’re pretty sure that Democrat Sen. Bennet is a no. Here are the top ten excuses we expect to hear from Bennet as to why he’s not voting to confirm Kavanaugh.
10) Kavanaugh hates women. We’ve heard it over and over again
from people paid by Planned Parenthood from the left on Twitter. Kavanaugh’s colleagues have debunked this myth over and over again, so this isn’t really a valid excuse.
9) Kavanaugh’s not from Colorado. Although, for the record, that didn’t stop Bennet from voting down Neil Gorsuch, so that’s a pretty lame excuse.
8) Fellow Democrats Kamala Harris and Corey Booker will use this hearing to gear up for a presidential run in 2020. That’s not really a reason that Bennet will vote against Kavanaugh (although horrifically annoying for everyone, including fellow Dems), but we thought it would be helpful to point out.
7) Kavanaugh once ate at Chik-Fil-A. This can neither be confirmed nor denied, but if true is indicative of closeted anti-gay sentiment. Just kidding. Chik-Fil-A is amazing. But, with the antics we’ve seen on the cable news today, we wouldn’t be surprised if this was cited by someone somewhere.
6) Kavanaugh could uphold voter integrity and block Democrats’ plans to allow undocumented immigrants to vote, thus thwarting Democrats’ grand plan to win all the things by importing voters.
5) Because Obama’s justice pick was blocked. Don’t hate the player, hate the game, Senator.
4) Because Kavanaugh said no to Clinton’s invitation to the Oval Office. Long (selective) memories, those Clintons.
3) Kavanaugh’s past legal history needs clarification. We tried to gain additional perspective on past cases Kavanaugh prosecuted; however, Vince Foster was unavailable for comment.
2) Bennet is jealous that Kavanaugh was in Skull and Bones. Sadly, there was no Skull and Bones at Wesleyan, where Bennet did his undergrad. Just women with hairy armpits pursuing Gender Studies degrees. Yay.
1) Bennet will never, ever forget Kavanaugh’s ruthless hazing of him as a 1L Yale Law student when Kavanaugh was a 3L. Never. Ever.
Don’t fall for any of these excuses, PeakNation™. The truth is that Bennet won’t vote for Kavanaugh because his party told him not to.