Turns out people are polluting the planet when they die and don’t dispose of their own body properly.
That’s according to environmental activists, who studies show have almost run out of issues to bitch about and demand government do something.
Coming to their rescue are Democrat (of course) state Rep. Brianna Titone of Arvada and state Sen. Robert Rodriquez of Denver, who plan to introduce a bill next session allowing us to toss our loved ones into the compost bin and reduce them to dirt.
Here’s how the process works: A person’s body is placed in a vessel with wood chips, alfalfa and straw, and then microbes decompose the body and bones over 30 days into nutrient-rich soil that families can take home or donate. The metal and non-organics found in a person’s body are screened out.
“Mommy, what happened to Grandma?”
“You’re eating her, dear. Grandma’s rich, nutrient particles are all over the organic tomatoes grown in our garden. Who wants another BLT?”
Conservationists now say graveyards take up too much land that could be used for, uhm, green space.
And, they claim the $9,000 casket we bought for grandpa is leaching some kind of chemical into the ground, embalming ants, or something.
Cremation is no longer politically correct, because, you guessed it, fossil fuels are used.
We’re certain this will have great appeal amongst the perpetually green, but we find it super creepy and would rather you put our remains on the bonfire, or bury us next to grandpa.