9News announced an exciting new change in programming that will take diversity in their newsroom to the next level.
“Next with Kyle Clark,” along with Clark himself, will be replaced with Canadian canine commentator “Pluto,” who first captured the world’s heart and imagination with his words of wisdom at the onset of the pandemic.
9News officials say they realized after watching too many Sarah McLachlan commercials it was time to address human being privilege by empowering canine companions from third world white countries like Canada.
“They really have a hard time of it up there,” said one 9News official.
However, the decision to dismiss Clark was based on an avalanche of disgruntled viewer mail complaining the host had a terrible voice, couldn’t read, and is dumber than a box of rocks.
“We think the canine offers much more valuable content, and his YouTube channel has gotten millions of hits!” said a 9News sales associate.
UPDATED: We know this will come as a huge disappointment, but April Fools! We totally had you all duped, right?! The article was so realistic, because it’s exactly what we’ve come to expect from the mainstream media, and Channel 9 in particular. Tens of thousands of you are understandably heartbroken Pluto won’t be replacing Kyle Clark, and we want you to know we share your grief.