Few people in Colorado embody a steely composure and imperviousness to criticism like 9News anchor Kyle Clark.

Clark’s unflappable grit in the face of vicious slights from conservatives is what makes him Colorado’s premier Anchorman.

So long as everyone pays proper respect to the anchorman’s hair, which is the rule Aurora Mayor Mike Coffman broke when he had the nerve to suggest Clark couldn’t spend a week on the streets with the homeless like Coffman did.

“I wish Kyle Clark would do the same thing,” the retired Marine told KNUS’s Jimmy Sengenberger. “But I doubt that will ever happen. It would probably mess up his hair. But I think doing that was an extraordinary experience.”

Oh really, Mr. Mayor?

Jeopardizing the well coiffed face of 9News isn’t some laughing matter.

Clark’s salon-quality hair and boyish looks are what Resistance wine moms and Friends of the Pod tune in for every week.

Clark can’t be expected to sleep with the homeless (Yuck!) and sully his appearance like Coffman just to get some firsthand experience and better understand a societal problem.

Why do that when Clark can regurgitate a few Vox articles from his basement and preserve his well-manicured appearance?

If Coffman had done some real research, he would know camping bans don’t work because Clark still sees homeless people sleeping on the streets.

Oh sure, conservatives like Coffman might say “Democrats in Denver and Boulder selectively enforce their laws.”

But unlike Coffman, Clark understands the real problem: camping bans are mean. And if Kyle thinks a law is mean, well that just means it’s unenforceable.

It’s science Mr. Mayor. Grow a bigger brain like Kyle and start showing some compassion for addicts by giving them space on the sidewalk to shoot up drugs.

Clark would have us believe the insult didn’t pierce his thin-skin. We’re not buying it.

It’s a miracle Clark had the wherewithal to go on the air and show that perfectly coiffed hair after reading Coffman’s swipe. So brave.

A lesser man may have crumbled and avoided the limelight, but not an Anchorman of Clark’s stature.

For his bravery under fire and perfectly puttied hair, PeakNation™ humbly salutes Kyle Clark.


EDITOR’S NOTE: This article is satirical.